Such a refreshing thought – to actually meet someone who is genuinely real and speaking the truth. Now that is some rare shit.
Sometimes the very people we are closest to become unreal to us. We might easily assume we know what life is like for them and forget that, like us, they are always changing, their experience is always new. We lose sight of how fully they too are living with hurts and fears, how hard life can be on the inside. – excerpt from Radical Acceptance
Now I’ve been accused of being too tough on my family. My tone too harsh . . . .coming in too hot. . . way too aggressive, they cry. I’m not soft enough, gentle enough, kind enough. I don’t give them enough room to be human.
I have also been described by my family as angry, enraged, and demanding and someone who can never be pleased. This in turn has made me a lightening rod for blame.
It’s a terribly messy situation and it has also alienated me quite a bit.
Recognizing Our Humanmess & Pulling Our Emotional Weight
I had to ask myself, am I really that emotionally insensitive? or . . . .am I perhaps emotionally exhausted, with very little patience to have the “tell me what I want to hear conversations“. You know how they go. The one you where you are trying to give some good sensible advice and it sucks all of your time and energy. . .and the troubled one cries, moans and complains and then goes on to make even bigger, unavoidable mistakes.
Now having a mentally-ill ex who uses the children as weapons does nothing to elevate the family dynamics one bit. He is sick, he is weak and the weak grasp onto anything they can to stay afloat. It’s truly painful and pitiful and annoying as hell.
Growing up with a bullet-proof, hard-headed immigrant family I have been trained to do one thing and one thing only. When we have a problem we fix it. Simple as that. No added drama and delusional ego defense tactics. We simply make the repairs. . . . we change our behavior, our environment, our thinking, whatever it is we need to do, including removing ourselves from the messes left behind.
I was taught to humbly take complete ownership for myself, my life and my actions.
Yet I do believe it is okay to ruminate for a solution and to sometimes overthink things – -but it’s not okay to go around thinking badly or poorly. The world is not out to get us. The real problem is you, it is very, very rarely what happens to you.
This lack of desire to sit with another and hold space for them for a very long time, when they do nothing to face their challenges – is the issue.
You see when I think about their complaints about me, I realize its not just my tone that they don’t like. It’s how they interpret the tone. When I am firm, they hear “you’re not good enough, you’re a mess, you are just terrible and you really don’t have it together” and there in lies the suffering – the sever in the relationship.
Stuck, it’s my lack of desire and willingness to placate them. To sit with their suffering. To buy into their woe is me helplessness.
For this I have been pegged as emotionally unaware, arrested in my growth and a non-compassionate person. Which is the farthest thing from the truth. I am wildly compassionate and loving but also a huge fan of the being absolutely honest with ourselves.
So, I do two things at once. I call bullshit on their desire to expect me to sit and stir the pot of sadness and sorrow that they decided to make for dinner and eat for left overs.
But, more importantly, I apply a bit of compassion to their pain and suffering by asking myself two questions before we begin –
What does she need right now?
What does this person fear right now?
These two questions help bring us closer together as humans.