I finally understand why I have a hard time believing in myself. It’s because I say one thing and do another. I overpromise and under deliver and then justify my poor behavior based on some crazy cognitive distortion. I am stuck in a continuous loop of self-sabotaging denial. Oh for the perpetuation of anxious psychopathological states. To believe in myself, I must keep the promises I make to myself.
The broken promise: No more wine at night. It’s mind- numbing sugar poison and wakes me up at 3:00 am. I will drink valerian root tea before bed instead.
The contradicting behavior: Find myself pouring a second glass of Sauvignon by 10 pm.
The destructive justification: I need to relax this little monkey mind, wine does the trick, it’s white, only 90 calories a glass – it’s so important that I fall asleep already.
The broken promise: No more cheap clients and time-sucking work. It’s time to double down on building up my savings and getting ahead of debt. I promise myself that I won’t overload my schedule tomorrow and I will only accept projects that pay me what I am worth.
The contradicting behavior: Then there I am, frustrated and annoyed, panting and racing to finish a lousy paying writing project, begrudgingly hunched over my 13″ lap top screen until 9 pm at night.
The destructive justification: Fear sets in. The money grab. Say yes to everything. Jump on the work while I can. You never know when the well will run dry. Be grateful for everything that comes my way. Take it and don’t be ungrateful.
The broken promise: I swear to myself that I won’t mindlessly snack on junk food like calorie-packed, nutrient-deficient milk chocolate raisins and tasteless chick pea crackers between lunch and dinner. I want to get down to fighting weight and I will count all incoming calories.
The contradicting behavior: Hand in bag, candy smeared on the keyboard, while I stare at my MacBook Pro and wonder how to juggle all these crazy little poor-paying projects and get it all done by the end of the day.
The destructive justification: I am so stressed, my brain needs energy. I am thinking so deeply. Doesn’t the brain consume most of my calories? Alright, maybe not most, but a lot of them. Oh, these calories are nothing. I’ll go to the pool and swim them off later. . .
Pay attention to my life. Catch myself in moments of self-destructing justification. Trust that I am not alone and God will help me along the way.
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