self deception – Of Undisputed Origin

The Real Reason You Don’t Believe in Yourself

Pay attention. Catch myself in moments of self-destructing justification. Trust that I am not alone and God will help me along the way. Madeline Johnson

I finally understand why I have a hard time believing in myself. It’s because I say one thing and do another. I overpromise and under deliver and then justify my poor behavior based on some crazy cognitive distortion. I am stuck in a continuous loop of self-sabotaging denial. Oh for the perpetuation of anxious psychopathological states. To believe in myself, I must keep the promises I make to myself.

The broken promise: No more wine at night. It’s mind- numbing sugar poison and wakes me up at 3:00 am. I will drink valerian root tea before bed instead.

The contradicting behavior: Find myself pouring a second glass of Sauvignon by 10 pm.

The destructive justification: I need to relax this little monkey mind, wine does the trick, it’s white, only 90 calories a glass – it’s so important that I fall asleep already.

The broken promise: No more cheap clients and time-sucking work. It’s time to double down on building up my savings and getting ahead of debt. I promise myself that I won’t overload my schedule tomorrow and I will only accept projects that pay me what I am worth.

The contradicting behavior: Then there I am, frustrated and annoyed, panting and racing to finish a lousy paying writing project, begrudgingly hunched over my 13″ lap top screen until 9 pm at night.

The destructive justification: Fear sets in. The money grab. Say yes to everything. Jump on the work while I can. You never know when the well will run dry. Be grateful for everything that comes my way. Take it and don’t be ungrateful.

The broken promise: I swear to myself that I won’t mindlessly snack on junk food like calorie-packed, nutrient-deficient milk chocolate raisins and tasteless chick pea crackers between lunch and dinner. I want to get down to fighting weight and I will count all incoming calories.

The contradicting behavior: Hand in bag, candy smeared on the keyboard, while I stare at my MacBook Pro and wonder how to juggle all these crazy little poor-paying projects and get it all done by the end of the day.

The destructive justification: I am so stressed, my brain needs energy. I am thinking so deeply. Doesn’t the brain consume most of my calories? Alright, maybe not most, but a lot of them. Oh, these calories are nothing. I’ll go to the pool and swim them off later. . .

Pay attention to my life. Catch myself in moments of self-destructing justification. Trust that I am not alone and God will help me along the way.

Featured Artist

Yamandu Pazos on Instagram

One Big Fat Lie and The Stark Naked Truth

Unravelling your self-deception begins with acknowledging how you are contributing to something you don’t like. By Madeline Johnson

It is estimated that the average person lies 10 to 200 times a day. Whether you consider yourself “average”, the fact is we lie all the time. We lie to ourselves and we lie to each other. Small lies, big lies, just to get where we need to go kind of lies. This isn’t necessarily the big, blatant, in your face lying. It could be the sneaky “white” lying – what we consider to be harmless or trivial, and frequently said in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

Lying to ourselves according to Dr. Courtney Warren, stems from not being psychologically strong enough to be honest with yourself.

We fool ourselves into believing things that are false,

and we refuse to believe things that are true.

Listening to Courtney Warren’s Tedx talk “Honest liars — the psychology of self-deception” I was taken back, it struck a hard, deep cord, but at the same time I felt inspired and relieved. It rang and rings so true. Frighteningly true.

So what’s the big deal about telling yourself you can have that third cookie because you worked out yesterday?

Lying to yourself keeps you stuck. Now I don’t know about you, but I want to grow.

The fact is, when you lie to yourself, you aren’t going to get anywhere, because you can’t change something you can’t admit. Self-deception restricts you, limits you and steals your power.

How do you know you are lying to yourself and others?

You’re blaming others. “I wouldn’t have freaked out if he didn’t get me so mad.” You’re playing the victim. “I can’t believe she would do that to me.” You’re defending yourself. You’re defending your ego, your deceived identity.

Read more on the 15 Common Defense Mechanisms.

Other ways you can tell when you are lying to yourself. Y ou have a strong emotional reaction or thought to someone or something. “I just can’t stand being around her.” “He just rubs me the wrong way.” Anytime you feel or think something in an extreme way is an opportunity to see how you might be deceiving yourself.

When your actions don’t match your commitments. Like, when you catch saying one thing and doing another. “One more glass of wine won’t break my diet.” “Sure, let’s have dinner next week.” “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

And of course when you overpromise. You go after things you’re not equipped to handle because you’ve over-exaggerated your abilities. You find yourself in situations where you can’t deliver what you said you would deliver. You tell yourself you can do anything. You’re not being honest about your skill set, personality or knowledge. Be honest about what you can and cannot do. What you can’t do today may be achievable in the future if you educate yourself. The key is to first acknowledge that you don’t know what you don’t know.

So, why do we do this? We are susceptible to self-deception because we have emotional attachments to our beliefs.

Wear a mask long enough and it becomes your face.

Play a role long enough and it becomes who you are.

Spend enough time pretending something is true and

you might as well believe it to be so.

Unravelling your self-deception begins with acknowledging how you are contributing to something you don’t like.

Featured Artist

@psychedgallery on Instagram

To Be Real

Seeking wisdom and being true and real to oneself. Madeline Johnson

To be absolutely real with ourselves. Stop playing it so safe. How freeing. What a release. What a relief. True to you. No more disjappointmenting yourself because you put your needs on the back burner. You said yes, but you meant no. You didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so you over promised. You took that project for the money.

When we are not true to ourselves, we starve ourselves of care and respect. Integrity begins with honoring our hearts. It’s not selfish. It’s healthy and it helps us all.

Stripped of all of our masks and desire to be needed. To understand ourselves fully, to know more about our own existence.

Why I am seeking wisdom.

Lie to myself, no more!
Life is tricky. People are strange. I contradict myself. Why?
Decisions are difficult. Which are the best ones?
Worry is constant. I shall remain calm.
This wisdom helps with clarity. Clarity is freedom.
I know I don’t have all the answers. We are here together for a reason. I learn from you.
Life moves too fast. My strong desire to slow down. Savor. Relish.

Why I seek wisdom.

To be more emotionally and intellectually intelligent about myself and others.
Because I am realistically insecure and my experience will only take me so far. What can I learn from your experience?
I want to accomplish more of what is important. What is important to you might inspire me.

Featured Artwork

Dorothea Tanning

Dorothea Tanning was born in 1910 in Galesburg, Illinois and attended Knox College in her hometown before studying painting in Chicago (haunting the Art Institute where she learned what painting was.) In 1941, now in New York, she met the art dealer, Julien Levy, and his surrealist friends, refugees from Nazi occupied France. Late in 1942 Max Ernst visited her studio, saw a painting, (Birthday), and stayed to play chess. They would have 34 years together, at first in Sedona, Arizona (a mere outpost at the time). Here she would continue to paint her enigmatic versions of life on the inside, looking out: The Guest Room, The Truth About Comets, Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, Interior with Sudden Joy, Insomnias, Palaestra, Tamerlane, Far From. By 1956 Max and Dorothea had chosen to live and work thenceforth in France. Though Paris was headquarters, they preferred the country quiet lure in Touraine and Provence. These years included, for Dorothea Tanning, an intense five- year adventure in soft sculpture: Cousins, Don Juan’s Breakfast, Fetish, Rainy Day Canapé, Tragic Table, Verb, Xmas, Emma, Revelation or the End of the Month, Hôtel du Pavot Room 202.

What Motivates Most of Us

What really motivates us is our need to be loved and heard. By Madeline Johnson

What motivates most of us is . . .

. . .the desire to feel loved and appreciated. . .

. . .the wish to be admired and acknowledged. . .

. . .the longing to be heard and to seem relevant. . .

. . .the need to feel important and significant. . .

When you say Never mind, Whatever, Forget about it, I really don’t care, It doesn’t even matter . . . .you are lying to yourself.

You’re being dishonest with yourself and with the world.

And this is what holds you back. This is what keeps you from getting anywhere.

Reality is, you do care.

Now just imagine if you were vulnerable enough to express yourself. . . if you could share your inner truth . . . see my worth, recognize my value, love me for who I am dammit!

Then you’d be sharing some hard core truth.

The goal should be to get closer to a state of “self-congruence” — in which what we say, think, and feel is consistent with who we are inside. And the truth is we are dying inside for some unconditional love.

Honor this. . .the truth, because the fact is, you do care. You care so much it hurts.

So go ahead, pay attention, tend to yourself and your need to be loved, acknowledged and heard.

Grow to become more honest with who you are and less delusional about yourself.

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Artwork by

https://www.renemagritte.org/

Rene Magritte was an internationally acclaimed surrealist artist of all time, yet it was not until his 50s, when he was finally able to reach some form of fame and recognition for his work. Rene Magritte described his paintings saying, “My painting is visible images which conceal nothing; they evoke mystery and, indeed, when one sees one of my pictures, one asks oneself this simple question, ‘What does that mean?’ It does not mean anything, because mystery means nothing, it is unknowable.”

What Makes Life So Damn Complicated

You.

You make life complicated.

You think you’re so important.

You want it your way, or no way.

You have a choice right now. A choice that can change everything. You can continue to choose to push against reality and struggle with it or you can choose to move with the world and use that energy to create something new.

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Use the forces you have within your power your strength, courage, and conviction.

You always have something within your reach.

Today it may as simple your smile, but the energy of a smile can light up a room and lift spirits.

Life is not complicated at all. We make it that way.

It’s when we behave selfishly.

Take advantage of every moment that presents itself as an opportunity to be kind, compassionate and easy to be with today.

And if for some reason you don’t have the bandwidth for that, then do no harm.

How can we uncomplicate things today?

Be the missing ingredient. The one to soothe each situation and to raise the vibes. Be the listener, the lover, the mender, the healer and the bigger person with a generous heart.

Read The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer

Artwork by Peter Beard.

He married a supermodel, photographed rock stars and came from a wealthy family. Easy on the eyes too.

Peter Hill Beard is an American artist, photographer, diarist and writer who lives and works in New York City and Kenya. His photographs of Africa, African animals and the journals that often integrate his photographs have been widely shown and published since the 1960s.

Future Stress Reduction Made Simple and Why Your Having A Bad Day Already

Here’s a thought.

We can completely avoid being “blindsided” by problems. Problems leave clues way before they become dilemmas.

Problems present themselves first as small annoyances. The things that are bugging you that are tiny enough to just brush off and not big enough to make you care.

There are so many clues right in front of our eyes but we may not want to look at them because, well, they can lead to an even more frightening thought. The future.

I hate it when I notice a minuscule pesky problem and I say “oh, it will be okay.” Yeah, no it won’t. Grab it by the ass.

Sure I, on occasion, have just wanted to things to be okay, even if they weren’t. I even said to myself, as shit was going down, it’s okay. Sometimes I surrounded myself with people who loved to stay in the bubble of “okayness” rather than face the problem head-on. I don’t anymore.

It’s called living in denial.

We have immense power to cause both positive and negative outcomes in our lives. It starts by waking up to the truth. Small problems today grow into sucky stressful tomorrows. Address the problems now and save yourself the stress.

Surreal images by Eugenia Loli

From Recklessly Selfish to Radically Selfless – The Way of The Warrior Queen

No matter what happens to you, remember you control the direction of your life.

“If you have strength of character, you can use that as fuel to not only be a survivor but to transcend and thrive. You must use an internal alchemy to turn something rotten and horrible into gold.”

“An individual has not begun to live until he can rise above the narrow horizons of his particular individualist concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. And this is one of the big problems of life, that so many people never quite get to the point of rising above self. . .so they end up the tragic victims of self-centeredness.” MJK jr. Read the entire brilliant thing here.

Take note: this post was inspired by the King himself and the incredible speech above and another interesting dude, Jocko Willink, decorated retired Navy SEAL officer, author of the book Extreme Ownership: How US Navy SEALs Lead & Win.

Not Dead, Don’t Quit

Serving with Honor and Integrity On and Off the Battlefield, Jocko believes we can all benefit from creating our own code of conduct. Call it what you will, standard procedure, a moral code, rules of road, your manifesto. . .Jocko and Martin Luther King Jr. had me thinking about what I aspire to be less and more of.

Note: two habits I have recently adapted into my daily practice of MJ’s experiment in human development include . . .

“wishing others well”, inspired by Sakyong Mipham author of Turning the Mind into An Ally and . . .
creating this creed below (my principles, modus operandi, approach to life), which I read every morning, to remind myself to hold the standard, because well . . .

If you’re feeling stuck and struggling to make the progress you want, take a look around you. Most people adapt to whatever environment they find themselves. They have what psychologists call an “external locus of control,” where they believe factors outside of them dictate the direction of their lives.

No they do not. YOU CONTROL THE DIRECTION OF YOUR LIFE.

A Warrior Queen’s Creed

(hey, this is a major step up for me, I use to be a worrier queen)

A Warrior Queen is very discerning about who she aligns herself with, befriends, spends time with – for they must energize her, not deplete her.
A Warrior Queen awakens to each day with absolute gratitude and appreciation for the breath that gives her life.

A Warrior Queen knows that she is a tiny, vulnerable being riding on a blue dot in space, not the center of the universe. (this is the money right here).

A Warrior Queen is always willing to help others rise up and become the best that they can be. Even when she mistakens a friend’s call as an interuption in her day.

A Warrior Queen knows what motivates her, for she is very self aware, to the point of calling bullshit on the lies she tells herself.

A Warrior Queen understands that REAL forgiveness keeps the flow of love pumping through her heart.
A Warrior Queen acknowledges both life and death, good and evil, joy and sorrow and never dives into escapism or fantasy about how she wishes the world to be. She sees everything for what it is, with radical acceptance. (OH MY GOD THIS WAS NOT ME A MONTH AGO, I SWEAR)

A Warrior Queen looks for the FACTS, not fiction in every situation. Everyone should try this one, a game changer really. (inspired by episode 216 of James Altucher’s podcast with author of Sapiens, Yural Harari.
A Warrior Queen respects all living beings, especially her worst enemies. Soooooo hard to do, yet a very strategic move.
A Warrior Queen is always learning, reading, listening to those with the brightest brains, highest intelligence and gathering wisdom along the way.
A Warrior Queen practices extreme self care. She moves and exercises (her demons too), eats healthy, rests well to stay strong and energized throughout the day.
A Warrior Queen trains in earnest with a meditation ritual each day to remain focused and in the present moment, awake and alive.
A Warrior Queen is full of compassionate empathy and loving radical acceptance and kindness for what is.

A Warrior Queen has a heart that is ready for anything.
A Warrior Queen sees situations as they are, not bigger than they are.
A Warrior Queen guards her mind, her words and her wishes, always thinking thoughts that lead to positive emotions. (this one is a huge challenge for me, but I am improving).
A Warrior Queen is comfortable with the uncomfortable truths of life.

A Warrior Queen appreciates every single encounter each day, for she knows life is sacred.
A Warrior Queen does not fantasize about catastrophes that might happen in the future. She stays present and prepared in this moment.
A Warrior Queen is centered, calm, cool and collected. She moves with purpose and confidence throughout her days.

A Warrior Queen does not resist reality and does not desire permanence for she knows the unchanging truth of change and relinquishes attachment to any outcome. This includes people, places and things. Her shift in perception of reality, that everything is impermanent helps her appreciate the nature and master of life. This world is made of infinite and ever changing moving parts. There is nothing to hold on to.
A Warrior Queen wakes up to what samsara is, the suffering of life. She rises above the suffering and emerges with the understanding that everything is impermanent.
A Warrior Queen knows what creates more suffering – acting in non-virtuous ways out of bewilderment, fixation, aggression, jealousy and pride. (oh my family would have a field day here – hey guys if you are reading this, I Love You, work with me here).

A Warrior Queen acts with intention of kindness, love, patience and non-attachment because these intentions elevate the mind above negative emotions. (Sometimes so hard to do when waiting on a long line at the UPS store. But you do it. You just do it.)
A Warrior Queen wishes others well throughout the day, knowing her heart can melt even the harshest judgement and suffering.
A Warrior Queen is never selfish. She has a noble heart that desires all to find their true happiness (pro tip: this is another thing that is really hard to do when you want to punch someone in the face really hard- but you just do it). She works for all to go in the direction of their hearts.
A Warrior Queen doesn’t burden others with her suffering, but shares the wisdom she has gained. (inspired by a Ted Talk from Carolyn Myss “Choices that Can Change Your Life“

A Warrior Queen acts from the sacred self and chooses throughout the day to be at peace. (and sometimes that means avoiding people who are a real pain in the ass).
A Warrior Queen moves through life from a deep conscious knowing and has NO DOUBT that she is a warrior queen and so are all her brothers and sisters on this spinning planet.
A Warrior Queen is filled with only unconditional love for all beings.

I am the Warrior Queen.

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” Tony Morrison

Asylum Art sketches Januz Miralles

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The Habit of Employing Self-Deception

People have a habit of inventing fictions they will believe wholeheartedly in order to ignore the truth they cannot accept.

So much of my own suffering has come from shying away from reality, from protecting myself from the hardcore truth of the choices I’ve made for my life. It seems the more I run from my heartache, my soul ache, the more I continue to distance myself from the painfully honest truth. It’s a strategy for self-preservation actually, but a very bad one at that.

I have found that I have spent most of my “waking” life quietly buried in a fantasy world of make believe and pretend. Buried in being busy, buried in too much work, buried in striving for my “goals”, buried in trying to fix hurt people. Bobbing around in a bubble. Sometimes for a time it actually worked (like a band aid) but more often it didn’t.

Hoping, wishing, praying and becoming more and more determined to try to change those around me that didn’t want to change so I could manifest what I wanted without first seeing and holding the absolute truth about them. How selfish is that? Fighting instead of facing, without knowing the tools, talent or skills I would need to create a better reality, one, I probably didn’t even know I wanted (or needed).

This way of living is reckless and irresponsible and will one day come to bite you in the ass. Yes it can protect and shield you for a time and from the pain, but the cold hard fact is reality is your best fucking friend.

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I have also come to understand this behavior in myself is just another form of manipulation. When I don’t see what is truly in front of me, what is absolutely factual about any circumstance and I slip on those rose colored glasses, pretending that everything is fine, this is when I find myself in the most agonizing of circumstances.

Whether it be the promise and potential I see, the possibilities in others, the “magic” of a truly desperate moment or the belief that I can do something I haven’t really trained or practiced for, it really doesn’t matter. The fact is I am not prepared to deal with the deep dark core truth. It’s so, so, so frustrating.

When I convince myself that things are different than they really are, I struggle in that denial, trying to fit pieces of the puzzle in places they don’t belong. It’s maddening really.

The more we bullshit ourselves into believing that we can do anything without absolutely accepting

where we are
what we have to work with
who is within our company (including our crappy-ass selves)

until we are truly accepting of the actions we have taken & the choices we have made and the distance we have to really go, we will stumble, fumble and fall.

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One must start with the unquestionable truth of what is really happening in their lives before anything can get clearer.

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Category: self deception