“Oh she bailed, she got too busy.” “Yeah he just cancelled last minute.” “Yup she never showed.” “No, he’s not going to make it.” My daughters tell me they have had these kind of people in their lives. Oh Lord. Why didn’t I teach them that the world can sometimes be a dirty place?
Which brings up something I have been thinking about. Relationship Accountability.
I hope this is not happening, but it seems like the standards for relationships have dropped incredibly low. I mean, say hello to your mirage friend (or lover). Your flake friend. They make seemingly concrete plans, genuinely act like they’re thrilled to see you and then, out of nowhere (and usually with very short notice), tell you whoops, they can’t make it. The concept of seeing them IRL is an illusion, and you keep falling for it. So why do you still hold onto them?
I have no idea why you do that. Well, it might have something to do with the fact that most people adapt to whatever environment they find themselves. They have what psychologists call an “external locus of control,” where they believe factors outside of them dictate the direction of their lives.
But what I do know for sure is that it feels like it is time to raise relationship standards for good.
While everyone’s talking about how we need to stay away from the negative ones and let go of the toxic naysayers. Yes, “just release them” they say. Sure, I get it. I mean . . .
And’ then there’s just so much being thrown around social about removing the low vibers, those that are holding you back and keeping you down. All you have to do is pluck them like a random brow in-between waxing appointments and bam you will be much more successful in your life. Sure.
No, I think that is part of it, but then there is the seeking new friends. Finding those that stretch you some.
Now, I’ve been contemplating this after being gravely disappointed by some people in my life. Yes I plucked them, but there is still so much to be done.
Now, I wasn’t going to let their ridiculous fuckery and bad behavior hold me back from gathering a tribe I can trust. No, their lack of integrity fueled a west coast fire under my ass to find higher quality people.
So, like many of you, I am on a quest to upgrade my relationship goals. I will choose quality over quantity any day of the week. Of course that led to question what type of friend, person, lover do I need to be in order to attract these so called “quality” people into my life?
I was ignoring a pushy guy’s text messages. A “friend” who wants more. A friend that I went out to dinner once. My daughter said I was ghosting. Now, if you’re not in a relationship, can you ghost someone? Again, I have no idea, but back to the goal of finding people with accurate moral compasses. The question – just how do I bring the good ones together, the friends that will actually add to my life and visa versa. I mean seriously, where do we find these wonder people? These five-star frienders and lovers?
In Search of Deeper Connections
I have two really beautiful friends from high school who both had what seemed to be perfectly wonderful marriages. As a matter of fact, from the outside, their relationships looked dreamy. They had everything. No crappy drama, no binge drinking BS, no lying and cheating. . .yeah, none of that. Then, one day out of the blue, the ladies just dumped their men curbside. It was so random. Seriously. Really? When I prompted them with a why? They said they didn’t feel the “connection” anymore and that they were looking for something deeper.
Which of course got me thinking about why I wasn’t looking for something “deeper“?
Meaningful relationships. Deeper connections. True friends and lovers. It just sounds so amazing. Why wouldn’t we want them? If we are hell bent on living a more fulfilled life we really need them, but we shouldn’t romanticize them as something they are not. All relationships are messy, complicated at times and if you think about it, relationships require us to work at being thoughtful, kind and considerate. We can’t get lazy if we want to gather a tribe we can trust.
Come to think of it, I am not so sure how “deep” of a relationship I have ever had with anyone, but that is the point. I am curious about just how deep I can go with another human while trusting and loving as much as openly possible and stretching to be a five star version of me.
Lovers who eat the world by Mariano Pecciniti
Featured art by the harmlessly crazy Tom Repalsky