Relationship Accountability and Gathering a Tribe of Trusted Friends

Oh she bailed, she got too busy.” “Yeah he just cancelled last minute.” “Yup she never showed.” “No, he’s not going to make it.” My daughters tell me they have had these kind of people in their lives. Oh Lord. Why didn’t I teach them that the world can sometimes be a dirty place?

Which brings up something I have been thinking about. Relationship Accountability.

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I hope this is not happening, but it seems like the standards for relationships have dropped incredibly low. I mean, say hello to your mirage friend (or lover). Your flake friend. They make seemingly concrete plans, genuinely act like they’re thrilled to see you and then, out of nowhere (and usually with very short notice), tell you whoops, they can’t make it. The concept of seeing them IRL is an illusion, and you keep falling for it. So why do you still hold onto them?

I have no idea why you do that. Well, it might have something to do with the fact that most people adapt to whatever environment they find themselves. They have what psychologists call an “external locus of control,” where they believe factors outside of them dictate the direction of their lives.

But what I do know for sure is that it feels like it is time to raise relationship standards for good.

While everyone’s talking about how we need to stay away from the negative ones and let go of the toxic naysayers. Yes, “just release them” they say.  Sure, I get it. I mean . . .

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And’ then there’s just so much  being thrown around social about removing the low vibers, those that are holding you back and keeping you down. All you have to do is pluck them like a random brow in-between waxing appointments and bam you will be much more successful in your life. Sure.

No, I think that is part of it, but then there is the seeking new friends. Finding those that stretch you some.

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Now, I’ve been contemplating this after being gravely disappointed by some people in my life.  Yes I plucked them, but there is still so much to be done.

Now, I wasn’t going to let their ridiculous fuckery and bad behavior hold me back from  gathering a tribe I can trust.  No, their lack of integrity fueled a west coast fire under my ass to find higher quality people.

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So, like many of you, I am on a quest to upgrade my relationship goals. I will choose quality over quantity any day of the week. Of course that led to question what type of friend, person, lover do I need to be in order to attract these so called “quality” people into my life?

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I was ignoring a pushy guy’s text messages. A “friend” who wants more. A friend that  I went out to dinner once. My daughter said I was ghosting.  Now, if you’re not in a relationship, can you ghost someone? Again, I have no idea, but back to the goal of finding people with accurate moral compasses.  The question – just how do I bring the good ones together, the friends that will actually add to my life and visa versa. I mean seriously, where do we find these wonder people? These five-star frienders and lovers?

In Search of Deeper Connections

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I have two really beautiful friends from high school who both had what seemed to be perfectly wonderful marriages. As a matter of fact, from the outside, their relationships looked dreamy. They had everything. No crappy drama, no binge drinking BS, no lying and cheating. . .yeah, none of that. Then, one day out of the blue, the ladies just dumped their men curbside. It was so random. Seriously. Really? When I prompted them with a why?  They said they didn’t feel the “connection” anymore and that they were looking for something deeper.

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Which of course got me thinking about why I wasn’t looking for something “deeper“?

Meaningful relationships. Deeper connections. True friends and lovers. It just sounds so amazing. Why wouldn’t we want them? If we are hell bent on living a more fulfilled life we really need them, but we shouldn’t romanticize them as something they are not. All relationships are messy, complicated at times and if you think about it, relationships require us to work at being thoughtful, kind and considerate. We can’t get lazy if we want to gather a tribe we can trust.

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Come to think of it, I am not so sure how “deep” of a relationship I have ever had with anyone, but that is the point. I am curious about just how deep I can go with another human while trusting and loving as much as openly possible and stretching to be a five star version of me.

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Lovers who eat the world by Mariano Pecciniti

Featured art by the harmlessly crazy Tom Repalsky

More Beautiful for Having Been Broken & Being Seduced By Our Own Storylines

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of mending broken objects using gold or silver epoxy. The Japanese believe that when something has suffered damage and has history, it becomes more beautiful. 

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I’ll never forget the first time one of my twin daughters had her heart broken. She was all of 16 and completely devastated. I remember her face as she curled up in my bed, in physical pain, her head in the pillow and eyes swollen with tears, hand on her heart, she said, “Now I know WHY they call this a broken heart,” “It actually feels BROKEN in my body.” Shattered like glass.

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After someone breaks up with us, we can feel very, very lonely.  Abandoned, rejected, thrown away. What are we do to with this deep seated pain?

I am studying Pema Chodron’s Heart Advice For When Things Fall Apart.

Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It’s restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down. 

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An inspiring tale of self-discovery, I have read The Alchemist.

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Next on my reading list. . . .

The Middle Way & The Manual for The Warrior of The Light

Paul Warrior

That Which is Rendered More Real

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Could it be that our modern life is not good for our mental health?

There is an alarming global epidemic of anxiety and depression on the rise. According to the World Health Organization, close to 800,000 people are committing suicide every year (incredibly, this is one person every 40 seconds) and many more are attempting suicide. Sure, life can be pretty damn difficult, but suicide?  Wow. I hope you agree that this is some kind of world-wide cry for help, something must be done and this is an incredibly frightening sign that there is a real need for an awakening, a shift in our cosmic consciousness.

Mysterium tremendum et fascinans

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Venezuelan/American, filmmaker Jason Silva, described by The Atlantic  as a Timothy Leary of the viral video age begs the question, in an age of tremendous technological innovation and scientific advancements and with so many people moving away from traditional religious affiliations, how do we connect ourselves to a bigger meaning? How do we commune with something more real than the doldrums of every day reality? Something grand and awe-inspiring that fills our soul.

You see, as a child, I thought it was “church”, a place to at least attempt a holy communion with something bigger than myself. Now, as I am older, it is nature, meditation, dance  and cherished moments with people I love.  For some it is grandmother’s medicine, magic mushrooms and perhaps a heroic dose of LSD.

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Perhaps all of those poor souls fed up with their human condition, need more numinous moments in their lives. Maybe they need more shots of awe.

To Render a Holy Moment with Me

I, personally, haven’t had that many moments of psilocybin-induced cosmic communion –  glimpses of ecstatic illumination – but I do find myself feeling more & more connected after meditation and doing things like yoga.  Jason Silva on the other hand takes the question one step further as ask just how might we turn our passing illuminations into abiding light, rendering ourselves holy.  Whoa.

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In his video “Beyond Anxiety & Depression”  Jason believes that perhaps we, as a society, need a replacement to what religion once provided us. We need a cognitive reframing or possibly a psychic transformation. Oh to commune with the cosmos in order to impregnate our lives with meaning & signification.

To serve and savor the world.

I am fascinated with the idea of finding ways in which we can achieve those moments of awe-inspiring, mind-blowing moments of altered conscious states without drugs. A healthier way to reach new heights of clarity. Call them Eureka moments, a-ha moments, epiphanies, whatever — where everything seems to come together. When inspiration strikes and changes everything. The belief-

“If you can look at reality differently — shed your preconceptions and filters — you can change your life, you can invent something, you can make new observations, you can do things you were afraid or unable to do before. You have better access to the full spectrum of what exists.” Read more about Holotropic Breathwork here.

A More Painful Catalyst of Awakening

There are plenty of ways to wake up from the dreadful daze of an unfulfilled reality. Heartbreak can really shake you into a new more painful state of consciousness.  On my quest to mend my broken heart, I’ve been reading a lot about love. All the different types of love and more specifically unconditional love.

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Unconditional Love: How to Give It and How to Know When It’s Real

I may read back on this years from now and find I have a different point of view, but for the time being, I think this whole idea of unconditional love is nearly impossible for mortal beings. Even the grandest of caring mothers.

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The truth is you can only love people as much as they are willing to be loved.

I really dig the way Teal Swan explains why unconditional love is so damn difficult. Her challenge, to try to give love for a day to something, anyone, a child, a pet, a plant for just one day is incredibly hard. A worthwhile listen right here . . .

 

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I am re-reading When Things Fall Apart from Pema Chodron’s because I want to make sure it all sinks in deep. I need this wisdom.

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The wonderful illustrations in this post from the talented Chiara B.