Seriously Good Questions to Help Free Your Soul

To be aware of a single shortcoming within oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in somebody else.  

Dalai Lama

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I’m listening for the unknown in the silence.  For my inner guidance system to tell me what to do.
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Inspired by Tim O’Reilly and his explanation on the process he goes through when considering important decisions. How he waits for better answers in the unknown.
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Instead of following the Argyris Ladder of Influence. The Ladder of Inference describes the thinking process that we go through, usually without realizing it, to get from a fact to a decision or action. … Draw conclusions based on the interpreted facts and our assumptions while developing beliefs based on these conclusions.
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Learning more about the Structural Differential (a physical chart or three-dimensional model illustrating the abstracting processes of the human nervous system) helps to understand why we should remain curious about the unknown instead of formulating answers based on old beliefs.
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What must I let die today? What most go, in order for me to love more deeply? To live more intently? To embrace life more purposely?

Kill List
1. That I am not a perfect fit for the world.
2. That I’m not enough, that I need to be more of anything.
3. That I am lost and disconnected.
4. That I must wear this heavy armor and use my tongue as my sword.
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What am I hesitant in doing?

1. Being more thoughtful and patience with myself and others.
2. Picking one path – oh, it might be a mistake. I make get caught looking stupid, feeling vulnerable and terribly exposed.
3. Speaking my whole truth. The damn truth and nothing but the fucking truth.
4. Creating a life I really want to live.
5. Becoming more loving – the real kind of loving – the unconditional kind.
6. Letting go of the pain of my past.
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What should continue to live? And what life am I afraid to give birth to today?

  1. More of my curiosity about everything.
  2. Trusting where love takes me.
  3. Exploring the lush but uncharted territory of this world.
  4. Listening deeply with a more loving and tender heart.
  5. My deep desire to connect with others.
  6. More leaning on the cheek of god, doing things that expand my mind and conscience.
  7. Allowing my heart to break open –  a vast and oceanic heart.
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Something to think about.  A new perspective on sparking more joy in your life.
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I use to wake up each morning wondering “What if?” My mind blown with anxiety.
What if he leaves me? What if I can’t contribute? What if I become ill? What if the world should end?
Now, I wake up each morning and change that “What if?” to acceptance and gratitude for
“What is.” Simply, What is. 
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Self-Abandonment, Sitting with Painful Emotions & Some Damn Good reasons for Building Self-Trust

I was seeking the truth about why my words contradicted my actions.  Why my good intentions were backfiring.  Why I would say “I want to achieve this and I want to achieve that” all day long- but I never really met my goals head on. I got some half-assed results.  Whether it was ” I will never let anyone treat me like that again,” as I jumped into bed with my ex or “I’m not eating another piece of fattening bread again,” as I smeared a slab of butter on the dinner roll.  Contradicting myself all the time.  Oh to be human.

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I would set myself up each day for success, at least in in my mind, but by dinner time, I was right back where I started, sometimes even worse off.  Self-sabotage.  Overpromising too many people, including myself and underdelivering and setting myself up for failure.

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It came to the point where I just couldn’t trust myself at all any more. I’d say things to myself like  “I’ll start saving money soon,”  as I continued to rack up my credit cards at my favorite boutiques, restaurants and cafes.

I’m working on building my trust back. Honestly, how can you trust anyone else if you don’t trust yourself?

Read: 21 Signs You Don’t Trust Yourself

Pains

Trusting yourself is what builds confidence. On the other hand, NOT trusting yourself, because you are lying to yourself, is what leads to self doubt and ultimately painful emotions. And you know how we don’t like to feel those.

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“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust: First Part

Trusting Only The Good Parts of Ourselves

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Personally, I have found that self-trust starts with self-forgiveness and taking the time to understand why we are so self-deceptive. I took sometime to think back on all the terrible, selfish and thoughtless things I have done to myself and to others throughout my life.  Then I read the list. God that was hard. Then I waited a day and thought about more bad things that I did and added to the list. Oh, to take a good look into the guiltiness of it all. It was so damn painful. The crazy thing is – I would write down something I remembered that I did that hurt someone and then I WOULD MAKE AN EXCUSE FOR WHY I DID IT. Really??

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The point I am trying to make here is that we can’t just trust some parts of of ourselves. Like the good parts with the good emotions. We have to trust our whole entire being. The good, the bad and the ugly.  This starts by not abandoning yourself.  You abandon yourself every time you don’t allow yourself to be completely honest, feel badly and sit with some of the pain and sadness you have brought to your own life.  Don’t dwell there, just become more aware.

“Self trust is the essence of heroism.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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But I think that because they trusted themselves and respected themselves as individuals, because they knew beyond doubt that they were valuable and potentially moral units — because of this they could give God their own courage and dignity and then receive it back. Such things have disappeared perhaps because men do not trust themselves anymore, and when that happens there is nothing left except perhaps to find some strong sure man, even though he may be wrong, and to dangle from his coattails.
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

Do Today As You Would in The Future & Living a Life in Accordance with Your Values

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People who are happiest and most content with their lives, know, without a doubt, that what they are doing right now and the friends they choose to connect with – are in complete alignment with what they truly value.
If you want your life to change for the better, the time to start living in accordance with what you value is right now.  And what you do now, will pretty much determine your future.
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“For me, I am driven by two main philosophies: know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.”

Most of our frustration and suffering comes from not living in accordance with our values.
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You see, if what I value is personal time and the freedom to make my own schedule and do my own thing at my own pace and suddenly I place myself in a relationship or situation where I am required to give up the time, I may feel trapped, held hostage, and/or unable to do what I want or need to do, I get very upset and angry.
What this looks like
It could be my parents (I really love them so)  who guilt me into thinking it is my responsibility to leave my life by the curb and my daily pleasures so that I take care of them for long periods at a time because they didn’t “plan” on falling ill. They assumed I would come to their rescue I guess.
It could be a client who wants me to put in more hours (again taking from my personal freedom to schedule my own day) then we agreed to or change our strategy in the middle of a project because the strategy they paid me to create isn’t working fast enough.
It could be a good friend who decides that I am not giving enough to our relationship, so I give more of my time even though I would rather be doing something else.
Anytime I and you am/are not living in accordance with what we most value we will hit a block, feel stuck, disappointed and frustrated. We are angry at ourselves for not staying true to what we really believe and our values and this in turn this leads to more pain and confusion.
Watch Teal Swan explain this so perfectly in her video The Secret to a Happy Life.
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Understanding our values will become easier when we know what we like, enjoy or want out of our lives and how we expect ourselves to go about it all. Our values are like our set of rules for engagement.

But How do You Develop Your Values?

Most of what you value came from what your parents told you that your should value.
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That is until you grew up and realized that you could develop a whole new set of values and evaluate those values as you grow older.

A Beginner’s List of Values

  1. Abundance
  2. Acceptance
  3. Accomplishment
  4. Accountability
  5. Accuracy
  6. Achievement
  7. Acknowledgement
  8. Activeness
  9. Adaptability
  10. Adoration
  11. Adroitness
  12. Advancement
  13. Adventure
  14. Affection
  15. Affluence
  16. Aggressiveness
  17. Agility
  18. Alertness
  19. Altruism
  20. Amazement
  21. Ambition
  22. Amusement
  23. Anticipation
  24. Appreciation
  25. Approachability
  26. Approval
  27. Art
  28. Articulacy
  29. Artistry
  30. Assertiveness
  31. Assurance
  32. Attentiveness
  33. Attractiveness
  34. Audacity
  35. Authenticityto be genuinely yourself at all times. If you value your authenticity and you are in a position where you feel like you have to be someone you are not, you may become very frustrated and upset, because you are living against your core value of being 100% completely you. The same goes for if you are feeling unaccepted for who you are and what you stand for. If your friends or aquaintances disapprove of you, then you may be inclined to feel disappointed. To live an unapologetically authentic life while surrounding yourself around people who appreciate your uniqueness is extremely fulfilling. Find them. 
  36. Availability
  37. Awareness
  38. Awe
  39. Balance
  40. Beauty
  41. Being the best
  42. Belonging
  43. Benevolence
  44. Bliss
  45. Boldness
  46. Bravery
  47. Brilliance
  48. Buoyancy
  49. Calmness
  50. Camaraderie
  51. Candor
  52. Capability
  53. Careif showing genuine care and consideration in your relationships is something you believe to be very important than you will be hard pressed to find compatibility with someone who doesn’t demonstrate a warm, affectionate, tender and kind reciprocation back towards you.
  54. Carefulness
  55. Celebrity
  56. Certainty
  57. Challenge when one of your core values is to be continually challenged by a life of learning, growing and expanding your consciousness, it is difficult to associate with people who are content with staying the same. 
  58. Change
  59. Charity
  60. Charm
  61. Chastity
  62. Cheerfulness
  63. Clarity
  64. Cleanliness
  65. Clear-mindedness
  66. Cleverness
  67. Closeness
  68. Comfort
  69. Commitment
  70. Community
  71. Compassion
  72. Competence
  73. Competition
  74. Completion
  75. Composure
  76. Concentration
  77. Confidence
  78. Conformity
  79. Congruency
  80. Connection
  81. Consciousness
  82. Conservation
  83. Consistency
  84. Contentment
  85. Continuity
  86. Contribution
  87. Control
  88. Conviction
  89. Conviviality
  90. Coolness
  91. Cooperation
  92. Cordiality
  93. Correctness
  94. Country
  95. Courage
  96. Courtesy
  97. Craftiness
  98. Creativity
  99. Credibility
  100. Cunning
  101. Curiosity
  102. Daring
  103. Decisiveness
  104. Decorum
  105. Deference
  106. Delight
  107. Dependability
  108. Depth
  109. Desire
  110. Determination
  111. Devotion
  112. Devoutness
  113. Dexterity
  114. Dignity
  115. Diligence
  116. Direction
  117. Directness
  118. Discipline
  119. Discovery
  120. Discretion
  121. Diversity
  122. Dominance
  123. Dreaming
  124. Drive
  125. Duty
  126. Dynamism
  127. Eagerness
  128. Ease
  129. Economy
  130. Ecstasy
  131. Education
  132. Effectiveness
  133. Efficiency
  134. Elation
  135. Elegance
  136. Empathy
  137. Encouragement
  138. Endurance
  139. Energy
  140. Enjoyment
  141. Entertainment
  142. Enthusiasm
  143. Environmentalism
  144. Ethics
  145. Euphoria
  146. Excellence
  147. Excitement
  148. Exhilaration
  149. Expectancy
  150. Expediency
  151. Experience
  152. Expertise
  153. Exploration
  154. Expressiveness
  155. Extravagance
  156. Extroversion
  157. Exuberance
  158. Fairness
  159. Faith
  160. Fame
  161. Family
  162. Fascination
  163. Fashion
  164. Fearlessness
  165. Ferocity
  166. Fidelity
  167. Fierceness
  168. Financial independence
  169. Firmness
  170. Fitness
  171. Flexibility
  172. Flow
  173. Fluency
  174. Focus
  175. Fortitude
  176. Frankness
  177. Freedom
  178. Friendliness
  179. Friendship
  180. Frugality
  181. Fun
  182. Gallantry
  183. Generosity
  184. Gentility
  185. Giving
  186. Grace
  187. Gratitude
  188. Gregariousness
  189. Growth
  190. Guidance
  191. Happiness
  192. Harmony
  193. Health
  194. Heart
  195. Helpfulness
  196. Heroism
  197. Holiness
  198. Honesty
  199. Honor
  200. Hopefulness
  201. Hospitality
  202. Humility
  203. Humor
  204. Hygiene
  205. Imagination
  206. Impact
  207. Impartiality
  208. Independence
  209. Individuality
  210. Industry
  211. Influence
  212. Ingenuity
  213. Inquisitiveness
  214. Insightfulness
  215. Inspiration
  216. Integrity
  217. Intellect
  218. Intelligence
  219. Intensity
  220. Intimacy
  221. Intrepidness
  222. Introspection
  223. Introversion
  224. Intuition
  225. Intuitiveness
  226. Inventiveness
  227. Investing
  228. Involvement
  229. Joy
  230. Judiciousness
  231. Justice
  232. Keenness
  233. Kindness
  234. Knowledge
  235. Leadership
  236. Learning
  237. Liberation
  238. Liberty
  239. Lightness
  240. Liveliness
  241. Logic
  242. Longevity
  243. Love
  244. Loyalty
  245. Majesty
  246. Making a difference
  247. Marriage
  248. Mastery
  249. Maturity
  250. Meaning
  251. Meekness
  252. Mellowness
  253. Meticulousness
  254. Mindfulness
  255. Modesty
  256. Motivation
  257. Mysteriousness
  258. Nature
  259. Neatness
  260. Nerve
  261. Noncomformity
  262. Obedience
  263. Open-mindedness
  264. Openness
  265. Optimism
  266. Order
  267. Organization
  268. Originality
  269. Outdoors
  270. Outlandishness
  271. Outrageousness
  272. Partnership
  273. Patience
  274. Passion
  275. Peace
  276. Perceptiveness
  277. Perfection
  278. Perkiness
  279. Perseverance
  280. Persistence
  281. Persuasiveness
  282. Philanthropy
  283. Piety
  284. Playfulness
  285. Pleasantness
  286. Pleasure
  287. Poise
  288. Polish
  289. Popularity
  290. Potency
  291. Power
  292. Practicality
  293. Pragmatism
  294. Precision
  295. Preparedness
  296. Presence
  297. Pride
  298. Privacy
  299. Proactivity
  300. Professionalism
  301. Prosperity
  302. Prudence
  303. Punctuality
  304. Purity
  305. Rationality
  306. Realism
  307. Reason
  308. Reasonableness
  309. Recognition
  310. Recreation
  311. Refinement
  312. Reflection
  313. Relaxation
  314. Reliability
  315. Relief
  316. Religiousness
  317. Reputation
  318. Resilienceto get back in the saddle, to bounce back from a bad moment, to keep on going. If resilience is what you value, you may become very short-tempered with people who give up quickly or enjoy a good pity party. 
  319. Resolution
  320. Resolve
  321. Resourcefulness
  322. Respect
  323. Responsibility
  324. Rest
  325. Restraint
  326. Reverence
  327. Richness
  328. Rigor
  329. Sacredness
  330. Sacrifice
  331. Sagacity
  332. Saintliness
  333. Sanguinity
  334. Satisfaction
  335. Science
  336. Security
  337. Self-control
  338. Selflessness
  339. Self-reliance
  340. Self-respect
  341. Sensitivity
  342. Sensuality
  343. Serenity
  344. Service
  345. Sexiness
  346. Sexuality
  347. Sharing
  348. Shrewdness
  349. Significance
  350. Silence
  351. Silliness
  352. Simplicity
  353. Sincerity
  354. Skillfulness
  355. Solidarity
  356. Solitude
  357. Sophistication
  358. Soundness
  359. Speed
  360. Spirit
  361. Spirituality
  362. Spontaneity
  363. Spunk
  364. Stability
  365. Status
  366. Stealth
  367. Stillness
  368. Strength
  369. Structure
  370. Success
  371. Support
  372. Supremacy
  373. Surprise
  374. Sympathy
  375. Synergy
  376. Teaching
  377. Teamwork
  378. Temperance
  379. Thankfulness
  380. Thoroughness
  381. Thoughtfulnessthe act of being thoughtful means to pay attention to the details, to think things through before doing them, to plan with more discernment. If thoughtfulness is an important value to you then you may be very frustrated going to places and experiencing things that are rushed, unmannerly or discourteous. 
  382. Thrift
  383. Tidiness
  384. Timeliness
  385. Traditionalism
  386. Tranquility
  387. Transcendence
  388. Trust
  389. Trustworthiness
  390. TruthIf you value the truth, you expect people to be honest with you and you earn and build their trust by being 100% real with them. When and if someone lies to you, you will suffer, because you value honesty in a relationship, whether it be a professional or personal one.
  391. Understanding
  392. Unflappability
  393. Uniqueness
  394. Unity
  395. Usefulness
  396. Utility
  397. Valor
  398. Variety
  399. Victory
  400. Vigor
  401. Virtue
  402. Vision
  403. Vitality
  404. Vivacity
  405. Volunteering
  406. Warmheartedness
  407. Warmth
  408. Watchfulness
  409. Wealth
  410. Willfulness
  411. Willingness
  412. Winning
  413. Wisdom
  414. Wittiness
  415. Wonder
  416. Worthiness
  417. Youthfulness
  418. Zeal

Blind to the Beauty of This Moment

Distraction is the main problem for us all – what the Buddha called the monkey mind. We need to tame this little monkey mind. Tenzin Palmo

As entertaining as it can be, please don’t feed the monkey mind.

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When we are unaware that we are unaware.
Then we rush and ramble through the day, doing the “important” and the urgent, going after the goals, just killing it, aren’t we though?
Both numb and dumb to the fierce and wild beauty of the present moment.
Asleep at the wheel.
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Not taking notice of our surroundings, the people we are with and even our own presence. Too busy snapping instead of savoring.
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Oh to be mindless,  as we let the monkeys swing from vine to vine through our head. Pulling us from thought-to-thought with our every emotion.  The seedlings for anxiety and panic.
So disconnected with life smack in front of us – to notice the simple and ordinary joy of the day or the pain and suffering of our brother nearby.
And those seemingly little blessings that are happening every moment for our benefit? Wait for it.
Your mind just can’t be here, there and everywhere, yet this is how we go.
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To be painfully and gratefully aware and awake with appreciation.  This is how we grow.
Inspired by my mother’s doctor who removed her cataracts today. Cataracts are a clouding of the eye’s natural lens, which lies behind the iris and the pupil. Cataracts are the most common cause of vision loss in people over age 40 and is the principal cause of blindness in the world.
Overtime, like many people, mom got use to seeing the world in a blurry, shadow-like haze. In faded color instead of technicolor. It happened gradually over time. Let us not get use to going blind to the beauty of this moment.
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Making Sense of it All & Finding the Answers We Seek

If I dig deep enough – all the way to the very core of my inquiry, a big part of my quest is about making sense of it all.

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Searching for the answers I seek, I have a difficult time understanding that not everything in life is logical.  Most of it is a mystery and yes, it is with a great sense of gratitude that I respect that there are miracles happening every single moment of my life.  However, I am also hardwired to remain cynical about the magic and skeptical about letting go and giving into the mystery of life unfolding as it should be. Letting go of not being able to control more of my life.

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Most of life actually is quite chaotic and a huge mystery.  Our desire to apply logic only fools us and typically it is for self-preservation. Read: Five Logical Fallacies That Make You Wrong More Than You Think

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and most of what I try to control, including people I love, only holds me back from opening my heart to something bigger, stronger and more fearless that I can ever be.

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Critical Life Lessons from Watching My Parents Die

They’re not dead yet, but they aren’t living either, although they were once a fantastic dynamic duo, living quite a wonderful life, they are now in a highly emotional state trying to navigate a fiercely complex and shifting terrain that is filled with unknowns.

Now at 76 my mom has stage four lung cancer and even though she will start a new FDA-approved targeted therapy in less than a week, she is very scared, angry and confused. It is a part of the acceptance process, I guess and I hope it will pass.

Dad claims he can take care of her and will not accept any help in their home. It’s causing everyone in the family senseless, needless pain and worry, but it’s even more difficult not to help them. It is a twisted form of enabling and the situation changes daily. How do you know when you’re enabling an elderly loved one as opposed to actually helping them out with something they need?

Life Lessons Learned from The Dying Thus Far

  1. Be Open & Responsive to Change

darwin.jpgBoth of my parents are stubbornly holding on to old ways and traditions that no longer serve them and probably never served anyone well. They are trying so hard to hold on to their independence as they shut out the world around them. They refuse any help at all while making life harder for everyone, including themselves. Their behavior has affected not only their lives but all of us who care for them as they insist on struggling terribly through their days. Their lack of flexibility and adaptability is actually driving their decline even faster than if they chose to open their minds to new ways of staying as safe, secure and healthy as possible.

2. The Trouble is, You Think You have Time

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Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got. ~Art Buchwald

What you do with the time you have now, while you are actually able to live is most important. More important than savings, work or taking care of daily activities of living. Do not hesitate for one instance to do, try and execute everything you have ever dreamed of – for you have no time. Forgive and let go of the past, tell someone what they mean to you and  celebrate each and every miracle of breath that you take. Gratitude for what you have right here and right now is everything. Do more with your life while you have it to live. Do not take this lightly. This is the most crucial lesson.

3. Know Your Limitations, So You Can Move Forward 

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My parents won’t accept their current weaknesses – fading health and loss of memory, which is causing them even more harm and possibly big trouble for others. How many times does it take getting lost while driving, or losing your cell phone, checkbook, wallet and keys before you realize that your memory isn’t what it was? Only when we honestly examine ourselves and accept our current limitations can we improve or find the tools, people or plan to help us work around the obstacles we face. If we don’t accept that we have a problem, than how can we fix it? 

4. It Takes a Measured Amount of Expectation & Acceptance to Survive

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Yes I see how refusing to accept the aging process can be helpful- expecting more from yourself and those around you can actually keep you going, but your approach is what matters most. Feeling overwhelmed and then reacting never produces a good outcome.

Life is always walking up to us and saying, “Come on in, the living’s fine,” and what do we do? Back off and take its picture. ~Russell Baker

My mother really surprised me when she said that she didn’t think the oncologist or the cancer center was really doing anything for her condition. In her mind, they are epically failing.  How about 18 extended months of living? Mom is actually expecting a cure from the second deadliest disease in the world. It’s phenomenal. There is a measured amount of acceptance that is necessary in order to strike a deal with reality.

5. Plan Your Aging & Dying Process Before it Happens

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It is our duty to plan our death. I am not taking about a living will, health care proxy or deciding on cremation versus a below the ground burial. I am talking about how you plan to age. How open you will be to the natural process of slowing down? Reverse engineering your life so that when you get to the point that you need help from others, you will accept it. Knowing when it’s time to let go of past behavior and activities, giving up your favorite things like driving. It is critical to understand the type of attitude you will have as you enter a new season of your life.

Just as we plan our career, marriage, children and even vacations, we need to be more thoughtful of how we leave this earth.

6. The Reality of Dying is Largely Negotiable

Just like anything else, we can rethink how we plan to age and die.

If you stress-test the boundaries and experiment with the “impossibles,” of dying, you’ll quickly discover that most limitations are a fragile collection of socially-reinforced rules you can choose to break at any time.

Social rule systems are used to examine all levels of human interaction. They provide more than potential constraints on action possibilities. Read more about social rules and the patterning of action here.

Who made these social rules about aging and dying and why do we think we need to obey them?

Increased longevity paired with aging baby boomers means that our older population is growing at record speed – a phenomenon in developed countries from the UK to Japan. According to Professor David Clark, a researcher in end-of-life care at the University of Glasgow: “We’re seeing what we regard as a massive global issue. There’s a huge wave of dying, death and bereavement.” At the moment about one million people die each week around the world; within 40 years, that number is expected to double.

I held a moment in my hand, brilliant as a star, fragile as a flower, a tiny sliver of one hour. I dropped it carelessly, Ah! I didn’t know, I held opportunity. ~Hazel Lee

 

People redesigning the experience of death

Making decisions about serious illness is not an easy task and they are not made alone. Watch Nick Jehlen  of Common Practice explain his design approach to facing the elephant in the room, the talk about death and these new products, services and dying submissions to Designing Death.

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Is This The Person You Want to Be?

Our motives are goal directed activities that energize and direct our behavior. Our motives support what we do, how we behave and what we put forth in the world.

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Sometimes our motives are simply the presentation of how we hope the world perceives us.

Powerful . .

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Intelligent . .

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Foxy. . .

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Strong. . .

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Compassionate . . .

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Sometimes though, we have to make choices. Choices between doing what we want to do and what we must do.

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Doing the right thing may not necessarily match our goals. The right thing may be miles away from our true desires. It isn’t necessarily the thing that will make us happy, get us noticed, respected or appreciated.

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When we remove our selfish motives and realign our priorities to match what is right before us that must be taken care of now, we are free to do the work that matters. The sometimes thankless work.  The work that serves others.

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Feeling Unappreciated

It’s difficult when people are indifferent to our work and to our achievements. We do and do and do  and get no damn respect. No appreciation, zero gratitude. We feel affronted.

Maybe it’s time to review why we do what we do and why we get upset when nobody notices.

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The reward for doing the right thing is not recognition. The reward for doing the right thing is self-respect, a calm heart and a mind at rest.

When you let go and do what is right and give up all thoughts of acknowledgment, it’s actually quite liberating.

 

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There is peace of mind that comes with doing the important work without applause.

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Why We Fail to Become Our Best

Doubts don’t kill dreams, delusional thoughts do. Our half-beliefs and uncertain thoughts are trying to tell us something very important and it is our responsibility to listen up and act.

Negative mind chatter

These annoying worries that wake us up early and keep us from moving forward, hold the power to help us grow and become stronger.

While most of us tend to drown out the worry, anxiety and concern, I am interested in finding out what happens when instead of tuning out self-doubt, I give it an ear. What is my self doubt trying to tell me?

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Listening and questioning about my worry and ruminating thoughts of . . .

Guilt.

Do I have my priorities straight? Am I doing what is most important to me? What is best for all? What have I been ignoring? What should I take care of now?

Dissapointment.

How have I let others down? Am I treating others and myself in a caring and endearing way? What have I neglected to do?

Irrelevancy.
Am I continuing to keep up with my skills? Will my work actually effect the lives of others?  Will it make an impact? If not, what might I do instead?
Inadequacy. 
Am I practicing what I preach? Am I as loving, patient and compassionate as I could be?
Undeservingness.
What am I not doing enough of? How can I bring more value? How can I contribute more? Where am I needed?

Self-doubt reminds us that we have work to do. It nags at us -we need to improve.

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It tells us that we are not finished, that we can and we should try to become more . . .thoughtful. . . honest, intelligent. . .loving, patient, wise. . .compassionate, empathetic. .

The uncertainty and apprehension of self-doubt, the emotions that ride along, that keep us fearful and manifest into worry and anxiety can really improve us. If we listen and take action.

These feelings don’t have to drown us and we don’t have to drown them.

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Yet and while we are at it, we must hold on to some confidence. Anxiety and worry should push us to power on, to move forward and to hone our skills, better our behavior and become an improved version of our former selves. Not break us down.

BUT. . .

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First things first, we must cease and desist the ongoing self-delusion.

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“you think I’m crazy,” she said.

“no,” he said, “you’re not crazy enough”

 

Few people nowadays know what man is. Many sense this ignorance and die the more easily because of it . . . I do not consider myself less ignorant than most people . . . I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me. My story is not a pleasant one; it is neither sweet nor harmonious as invented stories are; it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of madness and dreams like the lives of all men who stop deceiving themselves. (Hesse 105)

Hesse, Herman. Siddartha, Demian, and other Writings. Ed. Egon Schwarz. New York: Continuum, 1992.

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I am deceiving myself every time I . . .

  • underestimate the amount of time it takes to do something.
  • continue on with conflicting behavior that does not align itself with my ideals.
  • set goals that I don’t yet have the tools, skills or talent to reach.
  • think I got my point across, when I believe I made myself understood but the other person did not listen- did I use the right words, the best tone, how can I command more respect, get others to really listen?
  • tell myself that was my very best – I gave it my all. Push on.
  • blow things out of proportion – thinking that problems are bigger than they really are.
  • make excuses for bad behavior -lashing out, behaving poorly or treating others in a way I would never wish to be treated.
  • tell myself something is going to be easier than it actually is.
  • have an idea, that I think it’s a great idea, even though I haven’t tested it.

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Those who are slow to confess their errors are busy constructing lies to conceal them. – Unknown.

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Sometimes we must detach as we question.
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& remain cautiously optimistic, which is fostered as . . .
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. . .a feeling of general confidence regarding a situation and/or its outcome coupled with a readiness for possible difficulties or failure.

Directions for listening and acting on self-doubt and delusion.

Take inventory. List what must be done and then take deliberate action. Self doubt will dissipate and melt away with each attempt you make, measure you take, routine you practice, habit you build. . .  the stronger you will feel, the more confident you become. Taking action to improve your behavior will soothe away the worry and concern.
Remember it is thoughtful and deliberate action . . .
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continue on with dedicated practice . . .
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Featured image 

Apparition of Face and Fruit Dish on a Beach, 1938 by Salvador Dali

Leaving a Legacy of Love

Somewhere along stumbling to happiness and following our passion it’s easy to miss the true purpose of our existence. So wrapped up in achieving personal success, whatever we think that looks and feels like for us, we forget about the memorable mark our day-to-day behavior leaves on others. We get caught up in the bigger picture, the ultimate”legacy” we want to leave, placing the focus on our desires instead of others.

Making a True & Measurable Impact

Sure we talk about making an impact on the world, but the world is composed of millions and millions of people.  To be aware of the impact we have on each other with every single encounter is the start. From this second to the next; that last moment until now, every look, every sigh, stare, word, jab, smile, frown, punch, hug. . . .even the thoughts we are thinking that we do not dare to share, our truest purpose is to become awake to how are we making each other feel.  That feeling we leave behind is what matters most.

Did you lift them up? Show appreciation? Make them feel important?

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It’s how we make each other feel.  It’s the after effect, the residual emotion left from our words, our touch, listening to our friend, partner, parent, child, acquaintance, that truly matters mot. The bigger legacy of love is built on these day-to-day opportunities to make someone feel important and appreciated.  Did we leave them feeling loved?

Leaving a legacy begins with our behavior and everyone has the opportunity to leave a legacy.  It starts right in front of us, every second of the day. A chance to leave a legacy of love.

But people are so frustrating, so anxious, so hard-headed.

Try Reasoning instead of Rage.

It can begin with reasoning with those that are hurting. Reasoning communicates a message of respect. Respect is a building block to better relationships.

Recognizing the Good in All.

Praising another’s good behavior will reinforce even better behavior. When our good actions are praised we internalize it as part of our identities, and understand that even though we may have done things that weren’t kind in the past, we are able to change. Praise opens up the relationship to a higher standard.

Leaving a Legacy of Love Starts with Flipping the Script

Creating a new narrative about the way you want to leave your legacy. Sure you may build the next Facebook, Uber or Airbnb, perhaps you will find cures for diseases unknown but in between the chaotic moments of hustle and grind, how did you make everyone feel?

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Listen to Flip the Script from NPR’s Invisibilia

How therapists use the concept of non-complementarity behavior to help you make your own relationships better. Are you arguing with others? Angry? Upset? How do you flip the script? It starts by doing the opposite of what your natural instinct is, and in this way transforms a situation. Usually when someone is hostile to us, we are hostile right back. The psychological term is “complementarity.” But then in rare cases someone manages to be warm, and what happens as a result can be surprising.

 

 

 

Living Life to the Fullest

A special meeting scheduled today with Caren Martineau, Founder of Bevival.com, a place that invites people to share their thoughts about the end of life, about death as we know it.

I found this video on her website and felt compelled to share it. And as one great discovery leads to yet another, I know I will enjoy watching Jason Silva’s YouTube channel Shots of Awe.

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